Oh that’s right, Cats is bONkErS! I mean the actual storyline of the musical - and of course the film - is really something else. If you Google it, this is what you’ll find:
“A tribe of cats must decide yearly which one will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new life.”
Got it? Good.
Seriously though, it’s a rag tag bunch of ‘character’ cats that you learn about as they tell their story in an attempt to be chosen to ascend to something called “the Heaviside Layer” (huh?!), as selected by one old cat, in this case played by Dame Judi Dench. A Dame, like an actual DAME, dressed as an old lady cat with human hands, you say? Yes, yes I do.
Still got it? Good. Keep up!
“But is the film any good?!”, I hear you yelling at me. Well firstly, stop yelling at me! But secondly, to answer your yelly-pants question, it sort of is! But I reckon it really very much depends on who you are and what your deal is. You see, my deal is that I’m bang up for a musical and I have listened to the Cats soundtrack a million times and love it. I know the story is unhinged and I’m totally fine with that.
So reader, do you like musicals? Not just a film with a few songs here and there, I’m talking the full ALW box and dice. ALW is of course Andrew Lloyd Webber and if you didn’t know that, it’s probably a sign that you will hate this film. If you dig musicals and don’t mind a bit of ALW, read on.
The cast includes some massive names in addition to Dame Judi - Jennifer Hudson, Idris Elba, Sir Ian McKellan, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo* and pop star Taylor Swift. They’re all good of course - you don’t get a gig like this if you’re not - but I want to manage your expectations about Ms Swift if she’s the reason you’re up for this film. You see, she’s really not in the film all that much and it takes a pretty long time to get to it.
A bunch of people I saw it with clearly did not fall into the “I’m fine with ALW” category. Unfortunately there were many walk-outs before the film finished. One pair even left as Jennifer Hudson weepily sung Memory. For crying out loud! Their cold, dead hearts must be, well, cold and dead.
Anyway, regular readers will know I usually try to keep my blog posts short and I’ve failed miserably on that front here. So here, finally, is the #cuttothechase version: If you like crazy musicals, this is some light, fun entertainment you’ll probably enjoy the heck out of. If you don’t, then run a flippin’ mile from this, it’s definitely not for you.
It got 2.5 stars from 5 from News Ltd and a brutally unkind 1 star from The Guardian, if you want to read more.
Cats opens on Thursday 26 December. Trailer here.
*It’s really lucky he sung his own name in that song he had years ago, back when I listened to commercial radio, because it’s literally the only thing I know of him. You’re singing it like he does in your head now, aren’t you?